I don’t hold to a lot of dogma about religion. My first tenet is that all of this, every set of religious beliefs, every bit of philosophy, all the learnings of our elders, is made up. As indeed is everything. (Made up != not real, of course, but “real” is subject to shifting definitions and … Continue reading Things I think I believe

There's a lone aspen tree outside my kitchen window. Some of you will understand that there is something wrong with that sentence. The aspen wasn't always alone. When I first moved in, there were perhaps five or six huddled together on the bank of the pond. They turned a brilliant gold in fall, leaves dancing … Continue reading Isolation

My mental state today is not great. I want so badly to be strong for the people I love, and mostly I succeed. I hope they feel they can lean on me. I just don't know how to admit that I maybe need to lean on someone for a few minutes. I don't want anyone … Continue reading Leaning

I said before that I hadn't cried yet. I realized this morning that isn't strictly true. I had cried, but not about the world situation. I cried about art. Back in 2004, Texas had a bad cedar season, and I was spending a lot of time in San Antonio. My sinuses were so stuffy that … Continue reading Lullaby

I haven't checked the mail yet. For two weeks, I wasn't sure if I would get sick or not, and now it's just ginning up the courage to go do the thing. I think mail must be easier if you're in a house. I haven't lived in a house with a single mailbox for many … Continue reading Return to sender

I thought there would be more silence. I anticipated time to contemplate, to move into stillness. As much as I dreaded being trapped in my head, I was also looking forward to just being. My life is so full, all the time. I was looking forward to getting a little space to read, think, freak … Continue reading Dispatch from quarantine

I have not left my house since Tuesday. This fact bothers me less than it should. Any other time, this would be evidence of illness, or maybe depression. Now it is about the illness I do not have. My pantry is stocked. Has been stocked. I am the child of a child of Depression-era parents … Continue reading Wherever you look

When you start letting go of fear, you make room. For everything. Much of my life, my emotions have been subsumed under low-grade anxiety. In times of stress, I tend to break out in hypochondria. I imagine I am dying for any number of exotic and mundane reasons. Bad heart, cancer, aneurysm. It's a response … Continue reading Liminal

I haven't updated in a while, it's true. Now I'm on Christmas break and reviewing the year, so it's time to catch up. 1. The suit is gorgeous and makes me feel stylish, strong, and competent. A dear friend saw me in it and bought me a second suit, a charcoal herringbone, just to make … Continue reading A few small things

I can't remember if it was the second or the third dressing room where I started crying. Maybe both. All I want is a dress shirt. I have a bunch of button-downs, but most of them are either short-sleeved or flannel, and all the flannels are too big for me anyway, but I just wear … Continue reading Dress